Tuesday, March 1, 2011

And So It Goes...On

One day I realized that my life would go on. I don't remember when it was - if it was in 2007 when Mabel was a newborn and Shoes was at home, or when he was in the hospital, or if it was after - at my mother's house when I looked around and was alone and heading toward a divorce that would last two long years. Sometime in there, I realized it.

At some point, I found the perspective I sorely needed. My God is sovereign. He does not make mistakes. He ordains and allows things to happen to move His will throughout the world. Every now and then our free will bumps up against His and we make decisions that go against the grain. He resets us on the right path one way or another. Life happens. 

What I'm saying is, I finally got that perspective and a hell of a new attitude. I knew I'd survive my divorce and be a better person after it. I knew I would be a great single mother, though I so openly relied (rely) on God's assistance there. I was afraid I wouldn't support the kids well enough but eventually, even that worry began to subside. I remembered who God made me to be.

Confidence came back to me. Creativity came back to me.

Then I began to search for my purpose on this Earth. To praise Christ Jesus, absolutely. My life song sings to Him. But I am also here, responsible for raising His 3 children up - Trevor, Andrew, and Mabel. I have to train them up in the way they should go... they are only on loan to me after all. But I am also here for more. God built me to love - to give love. It was then that I knew that I would get married again someday. Without fear. Only God knew when, but I knew that he was transforming me into a wonderful wife, preparing me for when His time was right. I had to be patient and worship while I waited on Him.

I listened to God tell me what to do. I trusted his words in the wind blowing, I heard him softly through my children's laughter. I moved forward, always praying and asking and trusting. It is amazing when you literally give your life over to Him. I've never felt more secure.

19The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!   Habakkuk 3:19 

He told me to bring the kids to the midwest - to this place I'm in - and to surround them with love. And so that is what I did.

We swam in church and soaked in Jesus. Jesus is a constant in our lives still and I. LOVE. THAT. My church is connected to my friends, who are connected to my work, which is where one day - I met a man.

In the hallway he was there. I saw him and my insides melted straight away. My heart was open and ready at the exact time that God meant for it to be, and at the exact time that God had brought Bryon to the same place in his life. Our hearts were glued together immediately. I made the choice to love him very early. The feelings in my heart for him are unlike anything I've ever felt or ever knew was even possible.

Over the past year, I have learned more about what love and respect and marriage are about than I ever knew before. I now reside in a place with him that I've never reached before.

During our relationship, Bryon and I didn't design a way to blend our families. We wanted that to happen naturally. We prayed and God took care of that. Six peeps. There is a lot of LOVE at the house we now share. But we also insist they pass that love along to their other parents. We don't have to get along with the exes every day in order to impress what is right upon our children. Respect, for one. We trust that God will help us communicate and be honest with our four about the history of our family of 6. He will guide our answers.

All of this is coming out of my heart today as look outside and see a fresh, new season approaching. The snow has fallen and blotted out the old. What is emerging now is green and new and full of life. Bring it on!

I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for reading and praying and supporting my journey to get to this amazing place. I am so very monumentally blessed to have had this outlet, your support, and your love. Thank you for believing in me and in our God who gave me hope. THIS is what faith can do. THIS is my testimony.

And also? It is time for this blog to go away now. I have grown out of it. And so it goes on, this life. It's time for new. I have to make a move, Friends. Please update your feeds and follow me at And So It Goes On...!

Oh, and one last thing.

I am elated to share with you that, in a snowy clearing in the middle of our favorite forest, I married my Cowboy this past weekend.

It was the most amazing moment EVAH. I could faint just reliving it. And I will write much, much more about our wedding - about all of the details, I promise - soon.

Now, on to the new blog, yo!